150 Munro Boulevard
Toronto, ON
M2P 1C8
December 6, 2007
Mr. David Budden
Director of Admissions
Crescent School
2365 Bayview Ave
Toronto, ON
M2L 1A2
Dear Mr. Budden
Hello my name is Andrew Parker and my application is already. We will also be meeting soon. Before I went to The Sterling Hall School I lived in Leaside and went to Bessborough school(their public school). I am also the Athletics captains at my school because I play many sports and I am always very helpful. Going to your school is my number one choice because of the many opportunities your school offers and all of your sports teams are very good.
At SHS right now I run many thing which include K-2 sports(K-2 is from Sk to grade 2 and every Tuesday I think up a game and set it up for them to play). I also volunteer a lot for assembly to speak about certain things. I run a floor hockey league twice every week. As my position is an athletics captain I pump up balls, set up ping-pong tables. On certain weekends I come to school and run the tournaments for school including basketball, soccer, and other undecided things.
In crescent school I enjoy the fact that it is very close to my house. Also your academics are very well known at other school. Your sports programs are very good, I would know I have played and lost many times against your school. I believe I would add to your school in the sports department and in the overall atmosphere of your school. I would add in sports because I play AAA hockey, I am a goalie. I am also very adept at every other sport that is played in Canada including soccer and many others. I would add to the overall atmosphere because everyone says I am an nice, and enjoyable boy.
I hope that this letter tells you a bit about me and the reasons why I want to go to Crescent School. I hope to see you at an interview any time soon. When you see me for an interview I hope that you will know a bit about me and why I think I should go to your school.Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Andrew Parker
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2 comments:
INTRO
find a better phrase then "very good"
sounds kind of choppy
my application is already??
FIRST PARAGRAPH
first sentence doesnt need brackets, it should be a sentence
SECOND PARAGRAPH
Crescent School,
very close to my house?? bad reason
stop saying very
well known at other school??
very good - new phrase
CONCLUSION
i didnt like it...i don't know why but it sounds kind of fake to me
Sorry it took so long when i checked on firday/thursday it wasnt up
1st paragraph
-What does it meen by " and my application is already" does that meen it is already in, or you have finished filling it out and it's still at home.
-Instead of saying (their public school) you can say the (the local public school and it does not have to be in bracket.
-You dont have to say " i am also the Athletics Captain" you can just say i am currently the Athletics Captain at my school.
-Great passionate last sentence it was a great way to end off the begging paragraph.
2nd Paragraph,
-Instead of i think up a game i set up the games and provide them with the right iquipment.
-There should be an and between i pump up balls, set up ping pong tables.
-Not decided things but decided activeties
3rd Paragraph
-That it is close to your house should not be your starting line because it is just saying it is close to my house and that what i like about it. you should first talk about the academics you like and how you are the athletic prefect so you reall appreciate the P.E physilities.
-Not at other school it should be at other schools
-you said atmosphere twice in the same sentece you could say the "inviroment"
Conclusion,
in between sincerely and Andrew Parker you have to write your real signiture when you actually send it in and also on the computer you have to write (signature)
very well written letter
just a little easy mistakes \
GREAT JOB
Jake Mandel
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